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Enough is enough. It’s time to put Mother’s pearls back into her closet.
That was my visceral reaction to last weekend’s MET Gala homage to Karl Lagerfeld. Lagerfeld, the 20th-century Chanel fashion house designer was famous for his varied use of the little white gemstones of the sea. And if you’re on my side of TikTok, then you’re also ready for the pearl-pocalypse trend of the 2020s to be done and dusted. Hey, you might have even recently Amazon’d a white beaded something to wear to that upcoming Sam Smith concert. No judgment here (about the necklace). Even so, after watching this week’s TikTok you might understand what has got me all mother-shucking upset:
→ → Watch this week’s TikTok (watch via TikTok):
Entering the livestream area of any social media app these days takes guts. But literally - guts, dirt, and a waterlogged surgery glove rummaging for pearls are precisely what is showing in there. Don’t get me wrong, I love an oyster and champagne moment, but this is very much not that. This is what YouTuber echoisweird calls the “Oyster MLM,” a pyramid-scheme community linking Asia’s oyster farms, bored and ambitious midwestern moms, and web shopaholics with a taste for gambling. At any given hour of the day someone like @pearlaura or @mgpearl is live on TikTok coercing viewers into their comments feed as they push unethically farmed heart-and-star-shaped beads through gooey sea flesh. For what can only be described as fisting for jewels this trend is unsurprisingly queer. Just as Karl Lagerfeld is fanning himself in rage from the questionable fashion at his red-carpet wake, I too am furious about the bastardization of his favorite accessory: pearls.
In early 2020 I saw a pearl necklace being worn at Berghain for the first time. I gripped my silver dog chain and gasped. I was delighted by this 20-something raver’s anti-masc statement. As we’ve come to know, the brutalist black fit, leather boot, and matching polished silver collar combo was the Berlin uniform at the time. I walked up to this 20-something and said: “Thank you for wearing your mother’s pearls to the club tonight.” He looked at me perplexed so I quickly explained the significance of pearl necklaces in queer history. “What is the one thing you’re not supposed to touch, boy or girl, in your mother's closet? Grandmother’s pearls!” Their gaze widened. Maybe their K was kicking in. Or perhaps we had invoked the spirits of a century of queers that were caught playing dress-up.
I didn’t bother him with how radical gay rights activists Harry Hay and Marsha P. Johnson never left home without wearing a string of pearls. Or how gay icon Vivienne Westwood put men in tight pearl chokers on her 1990s runways. Or how Madonna’s gay fanbase anointed her with the nickname Madge, which etymologically is another way of saying pearl.
Desperate to find the dancefloor, I swiftly suggested that he should “wear his pearls with pride, like we have always done”. As if on cue, his European-looking model girlfriend swooped in to rescue him from the “situation”.
Yes, the Alibabatization of a queer totem has me heated. But I’m not alone. In 2021, TikTok user @whippet_angel posted a TikTok claiming his pearl necklace for the queers. But, spoiler alert, the viral video sparked a brilliant comment tornado as he was outed as a queerbaiter.
All this drama for dreck?! The original weight of a pearl necklace came from its hefty price tag. Queer people used to sport vintage pearls of value, jewelry that was passed down ritualistically through generations of mothers to daughters. Now pearls are TikTok’s Tupperware - like there are literally “Shucking Parties”.
So I propose a takeback to all you fashionistas. As the trend passes, resist the urge to toss your cheap white schmuck. If you spent all that time dancing, fucking, and after-partying in those pearls - consider their new evaluation as priceless.
Even in hard times, your mother’s pearl necklace is the last object she would consider pawning. Its value accrued from the lived beauty, resilience, and protection of grandmothers who were once daughters who are twice mothers. So from one aging queen to another, when the trend comes back around, which it always does, you’ll be happy you have a family heirloom to pass down.
Paid subscribers look below for a curated selection of the “is the pearl necklace” gay controversy on TikTok…